Living in relationship with any person of character requires some self-sacrifice. It is the nature of love that the one who loves chooses to share himself with the one whom he loves. This is true in both the one who first loves and in the one who loves in response to having been loved. Thus a real love relationship is a continuously growing feedback loop. But sharing ones self poses the continual risk of being rejected and thus hurt.
Thus, to say, “I love you” is by its fundamental nature to say, “I value you so deeply that I choose to accept the risk you will reject and hurt me. I hope you do not but I will continue to love you even if you do.” Sadly, there are some among us who say I love you dishonestly. There are many who will use the words of this sacred commitment to manipulate the emotions of others and use people instead of loving them.
But, if we grow up in a healthy home life, most of us have been warned about such people and have learned how to fend them off and avoid the damage they inflict. Moreover, in such a home we also learn that men and women of flesh, even the ones with the best of intentions and true love, will sometimes fail us. Sometimes only briefly, like “oops I forgot the time I was to pick you up.” Sometimes over weeks or months, like “I know I said I would spend time with you, but, I watch football on Sundays.”
People who should love us fail us — sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally, and sometimes only in our own perceptions — but no matter which it hurts and disappoints us. That is simply real in any love relationship. But when that happens how do real people react ?
Small children and emotionally insecure people are frequently deceived by the disappointment and take it as proof that they are unloveable. Thus, the lover’s failure is the fault of the one he was supposed to love. Sadly, many religious leaders take advantage of this tendency by continually focusing on sin. Thus, the followers become incapacitated by their guilt feelings. They begin to believe that even God cannot love them because they are such failures. “I am such a failure that no healthy person could ever love me.” is a very perverse form of pride.
Older, stronger willed people will react with, “You cannot reject me I will reject you first and walk away from this relationship.” Sometimes they walk away physically. Sometimes they just withdraw and fence themselves off emotionally. Sometimes they get over the hurt and return. Other times they never do come back to the relationship.
Sadly, many people just absorb the hurt and remain walking wounded in the relationship for the rest of their lives (if you can call that life).
But, accepting the truth that in human love relationships the other person is almost certain to hurt the one he should love, what is a healthy response pattern ? Here are the steps I recommend:
1. ADMIT to yourself, to God, and to the other person that you are and/or feel hurt. Sadly, many people try to skip this step. But if you miss this step all the rest will fail.
2. Before any one thinks of being sorry or making an apology or fixing what was broken, FORGIVE the one who hurt you and release him from the judgements you made of him.
3. Allow yourself to GREIVE what you lost. Whether you lost joy, or peace, or trust, or money, or a ride to the store, or a long time marriage partner, or a loved one who has died; grieve your loss. But do not grieve as one without hope. Grieve what you have lost knowing that God can restore all that you have lost as it is best for you.
4. REMEMBER, grief is a process not an address. That is to say it is something we must go through but never a place where we take up residence and choose to live. Some grief processes can and should be over and done with in just a few seconds [like grieving over your loss of a train of thought when you get interrupted]. Other grief processes will take weeks or months [like grieving over a divorce or death of a family member]. But no grief process should last more than 2 to 3 years; and even those should be much less intense by the end of the first 15 months. People who keep going back to the place of hurt [or the grave site] are no longer grieving; they have taken up residence in self=pity — another perverse form of pride.
5. Do not let your emotions rule your life. RETURN to living in the Peace of God, it is your birthright in the fruit of Holy Spirit.
6. If you find yourself unable to smoothly flow through the previous 5 steps, talk the whole situation through with the one who watches over your soul.
If you do not pursue this or a very similar pattern, your response will lead to you cursing yourself with resentment, strife, unforgiveness, judgments and emotional stress.
His, thus Yours,
Stuart
His-Family 